Male Photographers are worth more!

I often get asked to photograph weddings purely based on my gender as for some cultural weddings, the men and women are segregated.   I  do not generally have a problem with this because money is money and I do not want to be a starving artist.

So it came as no surprise when I got an email from the father of a bride to be who wanted to book me for his daughter’s wedding because I am  women. What I was not expecting however,  was  the manner in which he asked me’

‘I want to use you for my daughter’s wedding but we do not expect to pay you as much as the male photographer we have hired’  my response was absolute classic Wedding Bitchyness

‘Well Sir, if you want to send me a diagram and a couple of paragraphs explaining how having a penis makes one use a camera better,  then I will do your daughter’s wedding for free’

Needless to say, but I did not get a response.

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Wedding Songs

Some of the weirdest songs that I have heard as brides walked down the aisle and you may have to try to imagine a bride walking down the aisle to some of these songs…

• The Final Countdown – Europe

• Love & Marriage, the Theme song from Married with Children

• White Wedding – Billy Idol

• The Death March’ from Star Wars – “apparently he was a real star wars fan – was there another reason he chose that though and his bride was too stupid to realize?!? Very entertaining!”

• She Bop – Cindy Lauper

• Lady in Red – Chris DeBurgh

• I have carried you on Eagles Wings “is this sung at FUNERALS!!!”

• Another one bites the dust – Queen

• Land Down Under  – Men at work

• Somewhere over the rainbow – Israel Kamakawiwo’ole

• Happy Birthday – Stevie Wonder

• We will rock you – Queen

• Bella’s Lullaby (from the Twilight movie sound-track)

 • Hey Big Spender – Shirley Bassy

and my favourite was the couple who walked out of the registry office together to the theme song of Shaun of the Dead, I was killing myself laughing so I said ‘ I love that film, I can’t believe you used that as your wedding soundtrack’ and the bride just looked at me and said ‘what film’ oops!

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Should I add photos to this site?

I am tempted to put photos on this site but don’t want to out myself as I still am a wedding photographer, what are your thoughts?

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She said what? She did What?

I showed up at a brides house in Kent to photograph the girls getting ready, by the time I arrived the champagne was freely flowing and the bride and her bridesmaids were swooning  around in the bathrobes getting their hair and make up done.

The hardest thing about being a wedding photographer is establishing a connection with people, getting them to relax because without it the photos will never work.  So I said to the bride ‘Wow, you look Stunning’ her response was utter wedding bitchyness ‘well if you spent a couple of hours with a make up artist, you could look stunning too’  I was speechless, but only because saying to her ‘but I don’t need to as I look stunning natually’ would of been unprofessional. Kent Wedding 2009 Bride ‘Janye’

Exhausted photographer has all her clients sign a confidentiality agreement as part of their contracts, so what does a certain dim-witted bride do I hear you ask? She gets on a wedding chatroom saying how I made her sign a confidentiality clause.  Anon Bride 2010

When your photographer tells you to spit your gum out and start smiling on your wedding day, it that means you spit your gum out and smile, it does not mean lets bust your photographers chops by asking her to airbrush the gum out of each shot! Three Rules for brides: Do Not Smoke, Do Not Chew Gum, and Do Not Wear Stark White Gloves. This bride incidentally was part of a TV documentary about brides and their weddings.

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H2B’s not all of them are as sharp as pencils

Clean your bloody shoes, thats all I am saying for now about husbands to be

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Out of the mouths of Vicars

‘I hope the couple have paid you, and not by cheque’ Said to Exhausted Photographer as the guests where taking their seats, waiting for the couple who where 45 minutes late.  Edinburgh 2008

‘Come back to the office and have a drink’   Said to exhausted Photographer at a 14th Century Church just outside of London 2009, it was 11 am in the morning, so exhausted Photographer was expecting a cup of tea, so said can I have it white with one, she looks at me with a smile and then pulls out two tumblers and pours me half a glass of gin, needless to say, I produced some of my best work at the Wedding. The couple have since divorced and I have since produced a sticker for my albums that reads ‘do not destroy in the even of divorce’

‘Do you think the groom is going to be a no show because I could be doing other things today?’ my response, ‘Are we taking bets on this?’

Are you married? No,but I have been engaged twice, and yes I kept the rings. Why are you asking me out? Maybe, what are you doing tonight? ummm photographing the couples reception, ‘ Good, I will see you tonight’   Jehovah’s Witnesses service, Hastings 2009.

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What not to say to your Wedding Photographer

I had arranged a  Sunday morning meeting with a B2B  ( wedding lingo for bride to be ) who was coming to London with her entourage of 3 subdued bridesmaids to see me. She had come to my studio in a leafy part of London to preview my work and talk about if I could provide a green album with gold trim ( no, by the way I will not do this)  After asking standard questions, when is your day? how long have you been together? and acting all excited for her these words flew out of her mouth ‘I want you to get me into a Magazine’ and she swiftly pulls out a copy of Vogue’ mmmmmmm Sure I say, but a Bridal Magazine as I don’t think French Vogue takes wedding submissions’

She finally agrees that I am the photographer for her so I give her a copy of the contract however  there were a few spelling mistakes ( not unlike this blog) so I say ‘I am sorry there are a few spelling mistakes in the contract as I forgot to run a spell check before printing ‘ her response, was absolute wedding bitchyness  ‘That’s OK, you are a photographer I don’t expect you to know how to spell’  Her poor bridesmaids just looked at me, and begged for forgiveness with their eyes.

She writes and cheques and leaves.

As her wedding day is drawing closer, I am starting to dread having to photograph her wedding as she is the ultimate Bridezilla but could you imagine my relief when I get a hand written note in the post, 2 weeks before the wedding saying  ‘the weding  had been cancelled’   Note how she spelt the word wedding! 

Needless to say, I now proof read all my contracts and never meet with clients after spending an evening with FG. Still happy to have a non refundable clause in the event of cancellation in my contracts. 

Not once, during the 8 months she was a client, did she ever mention the name of her H2B ( yes that’s hubby to be, not a pencil)

Hoping to blog a few times a week but next I will post about a women that asked ‘Is my back fat going to be a problem in the photos‘  ‘I’m the princess, its my day’  and one mother in law who said to me ‘ staff eat outside’ ~ Ouch!

ps: There were spelling mistakes in the contract as I had printed it up about 5 minutes prior to our meeting as the  previous night, I has foolishly challenged FG  (French Guy) to an evening of drinking and some ‘oh la laaah’.  After one to many ,  I woke up late,  had to kick him out of my tiny apartment and turn it from a boudoir back  into a work  studio during the day.

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